Desire As The Foundation Of Love

Figuring out what love is might be on everyone’s mind once in a while. I argue that the question needs to be explained to every young person sometimes during their teenage years.

I am also explaining − if not only to myself − what love is on my other blog at truelove.singles

“Romantic love is when it wants to last forever, erotic love is when it delights in the moments, real love is when and while it lasts, true love is after it has endured the ups and downs of life.”

Tom F.

Tom F.

Philosophers, saints and sages, poets, playwriters, and psychoanalysts have shared their profound insights about love. There are many valid perspectives on love, and you − the reader − might have your own. But which answer conveys a most salient perspective and in a form of rhetoric that a teenager can understand?

Plato was at it, and so was Jesus, and so was Shakespeare, and so was Lacan. The most salient? I must leave that question unanswered on this blog.

However, a most salient insight into the nature of love between two people is to me that desire is the foundation of love. Sure, there can be love between living and non-human beings (gods, cats, etc.) and what have you and many other constellations. Young people, however, might be most interested in figuring out what love is or might be in heterosexual relationships.

Well, they will also be curious about sex, for sure. But there are no more secrets about that worth writing about − other than perhaps to say that love and sex are not the same. OK, to some that might be a revelation.

Love is another phenomenon and one that is much harder to talk about than commonly realized. Simply put, parents can prohibit or consent to the sexual activities of their offspring. But it does not make sense for them to prohibit or consent to an adolescent child to ‘fall in love.’ It happens when it happens, or not.

Some people, at the end of their lives, might actually regret that ‘it’ never happened to them. They sense that they missed out on some real delights. Others, at the end of their lives, might actually regret that ‘it’ had happened to them. They know that passions messed up their lives.

Romantic love gets easily blamed for the vicissitudes and vagaries inherent in life and living. Often not considered are the causal states of mind of people, or the general mental health of the population. Love, romantic or erotic or anything but platonic, is not necessarily suitable as a bonding experience for people suffering from even slight mental health issues. Many stories of the proverbial ‘misuse of love’ involve people with mental instabilities describable as narcissism, hysteria, neurosis, paranoia, or even psychosis. Unfortunately, even mentally fit or well-adjusted people seem to ‘fall’ for those incapable of handling truly ‘loving’ relationships.

The nature of love is multifaceted. Romantic love, almost any type of intimate love, is perhaps unthinkable without also recognizing the force of desire. St. Augustine, the eminent philosopher, theologian, and bishop of Hippo in early Christendom, already warned that one should be leery about what one desires.

But desire is not a thing that humans seem to be able to control much. That is, people cannot choose and decide what to desire and what not. Why is that? Because desire is not only a noticeable phenomenon on the conscious level of being but deeply rooted in the subconscious if not unconsciousness. That makes humans hostages to desires.

However, desire is subject to conscious control as far as people can ignore or suppress desires. But they cannot make certain desires disappear entirely, or bring them about easily if summoned to do so.

And so it is with real love as well, because intimate or passionate love is desirous as it piggybacks on the foundation of desire. I mean, can you love without desire?

Now, some might argue mischievously that one can. When Christian people are summoned to love each other as they love themselves (Mark 12:31), they may in public act lovingly toward each other even though they privately loathe each other. Christian love is often an obligatory, pretentious, or forced love − that is, a much less genuinely passionate love.

The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

Mark 12:31

The command to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18, Mark 12:31) is considered one of the two “great” commandments by both Jesus and the rabbis. This imperative is so sweeping that it is regarded as one of the two “great” commandments, the other being “Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God, the Lord is one” (Mark 12:29-31; cf. Deut. 6:4).

Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard (1813 – 1855) had much to say about nuanced Christian love. His writings are definitely worth checking out. As well as the above-referenced book Lacan on Love by Bruce Fink. The book, while approaching love from a psychoanalytical perspective, has very readable chapters on Kierkegaard and Christian love and other types or kinds of love. Highly, highly recommendable for anyone literate and able to ween him- or herself off of social media for a few hours.

Jewish, Christian, and Muslim love, or agape, or God’s love − whatever label one might use to signify that otherworldly phenomenon, only goes so far. This kind of love can build exclusive communities, but not an inclusive world community. It isn’t the silver bullet to world peace, never was and never will be. The proof is in the pudding by now.

Would one ever choose to romance one’s enemy? Some saintly persons might try to go that route, but their passions are then not much about the other enemy person, but rather about pleasing that divine, non-human lawyer in the sky.

People need to become more aware of their desires, their sense and subsequent interpretation of their living experience, their passions, and all that uncomfortably internal stuff. Every day, categorical imperatives and superego injunctions are impressed upon susceptible young people. “You shall…, you must…, you ought…, don’t…” Most moms and dads do it, and so does church life, as well as the military, politicians, and the entertainment world of Hollywood and Disney and Tiktok − I mean who does not do it? Peer pressure is all around.

All these categorical imperatives and superego injunctions may collide sooner or later with a person’s desires, their sense and subsequent interpretation of their living experience, and their passions. Do young people have a fair chance to talk about it with a caregiver? It is no wonder that Western societies are plagued by surging mental health crises. People’s senses and sensibilities have changed over the decades, yet longstanding categorical imperatives and superego injunctions remain strong and unchanging.

I wonder if humanity has already discovered what it desires − other than survival, or even if there is another, better final notion to be discovered.